miscarriage 2.0

I guess that pretty much says it all.

you guys rock!

Thanks to Robin over at The Other Mother, today is Reader Appreciation Day, so I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who sat beside me during the past year and offered a virtual hand to hold.

Thanks for holding my hand through every day of my life, but especially through all of the

• surgery
• iuis
• bfns
• awful REs and failed IVFs
• pregnancy
• miscarriage
• and now pregnancy 2.0

Every comment and every email means so much to me, I simply can’t thank you enough. You guys even followed me to new blog home after I hid for a while. I certainly can’t say no one knows how I feel, becuase you certainly do.

Thanks. I love you. (Dramatic Tear Here).

Seriously, I do love you all!

 

Hi there!

Yeah, I know. I didn’t forget the whole blog thing. I’ve been remiss and will make it to you. Maybe not today.

I’ve been asleep at the wheel for a few days. I come home, I eat something pickled (okra and cauliflower are my faves) and then I nap. Then B comes home, we eat, I bathe, I sleep some more. Sometimes if I’m feeling feisty, I try to kick her a** on our new wii. Mostly I sit on the couch watch her kick the computer’s a**. Or fall asleep watching her. Lots of sleep I’m doing. Woo, excitement.

For the record, besides being sleepy, I have a little soreness in the chest area as well as the amazing night time bloat where my belly magically inflates to twice its size. I had one tiny moment of teacher-workroom-microwaved-soup-induced nausea. That’s it.

I’m getting more and more anxious as this was the week I lost the Roar. I’m praying in every way I know how to keep this baby, and that’s all I can do. I’ve never been good letting things go, and letting the control go. You’d think after almost 2 years TTC I’d have learned this lesson, but I have a really hard head.

So in the wait that makes all my TWWs seem like a cake walk, I’ve resigned myself to lots of naps, lots of lovies from B, and lots of things pickled. Okra, anyone?

Lesson #1…

…on ways to overcome the no-buying-more-baby-clothes edict of your spouse. Find something she wants the baby to have. Case in point. Ordered today.

beta update

When I arrived home from work today, this was waiting for me. He’s so soft and lovey, and B is sweet and lovey too. I’m feeling pretty lucky right now.

In other Snuffy news, my 16 dpo beta today was 167, which according to the charts I googled, is right smack dab in the middle of normal. Normal. Let’s shoot for that.

how many pregnancy tests does it take?

Well, today it took six to convince me I’m still pregnant. 14 dpo has suddenly become four weeks pregnant. Every molecule in my body is happy. Joyous. Effervescent. Elated. Ecstatic. Thrilled. Hell, I’m down right bouncy.

I’m not saying that I haven’t thought of the Roar, because I have, and I’m not saying I’m not frightened, because I certainly am. I just don’t want my loss to overshadow this joy, and I’m going to try with everything I have to look forward, to think positively. My baby is here now. This is all I know for sure. I’m going to cradle every moment.

The beta fun starts Monday (16dpo). I actually may decline the second beta, but I do want my progesterone levels checked and the doc wants to “confirm” the pregnancy, so I will go in.

That’s all the news I have for today, except that Brandi has forbidden me to purchase anymore baby clothes. We have a trashbag small sack of gender nuetral clothing, several toys, and a few books. I know, I should wait, yada yada yada.

Before I head off to eat strawberries and pee on more sticks, I’d like to thank you all for the incredibly kind and thoughtful well wishes. I’m printing them and keeping them. Seriously, they were lovely.

pregnancy, take 2

Forgive the horrible picture. It’s 6 a.m. and I’m late for work and more than a little weepy. Did I forget to say OMG?

kitty cat revenge

Jilly’s (our orange kitty) is feeling a little under the weather. She’s always had allergies and food sensitives, but it seems like the last few weeks she’s been miserable. We have a date for the vet on Thursday which she, of course, is super excited about. She’s spending most of her time as close to me as possible though, as if she’s feeling just a little clingy. This is a bit unusual for her as she is a lone ranger, and normally we have to chase her down for a some of that orange kitty love.

On the other hand, Bellatrix (our grey kitty) prefers to receive the lion’s share of the attention, and dislikes Jilly’s new constant proximity. Up until today, I mostly received ugly stares or a threatening scratches on the carpet as evidence of her displeasure. I guess that wasn’t working, so she decided to ramp it up a notch.

This afternoon, I was on the couch with Jilly on my chest, petting her and murmuring terms of endearment (pithy discourse such as you are the hippest orange kitty in the entire world and no one has a cool pink nose quite as lovely as you). Like her mother, she likes the compliments and was purring contentedly. On the floor I spotted Bella, like a shark after blood, circling the couch, casting caustic glances our way. I tried ignore her and continue my effusive praise of Jilly, but the little demon had other ideas.

In a blur of grey fur, she sprung from her perch on the ground, landed on my stomach as hard a ten pound cat can, and managed to bite both Jilly and I before taking a rebound spring and heading out of the door.

Yes, the little b&*tch bit me! Out of jealousy! Please tell me we aren’t the only people with a cat that has a revenge setting. Please.

chubby twin powers, activate!

… in the form of… a sloth!

Yea, that’s been my weekend. We intended to be quite the adventurers and head out on a day trip, but after getting stuck in traffic and not being able to even leave the city, we turned around and headed home. Seriously, after an hour and fifteen minutes and one and half miles, wouldn’t you need lunch and a nap?

At least I’m sleeping. Friday night my insomnia vanished, and I’ve spent the weekend trying to make up for the last few weeks. I’ve had a couple of nightmares, but we’ll shelve those and pretend they don’t exist.

Thank you so much for all the book love! I knew I liked you guys, but when I realized that we have the same taste in books, it only confirmed my admiration. Of course, there were a few I need to find ASAP!

On  the TTC front, I’m 8 dpo. I hate the TWW. Since I had zero symptoms with my one positive, I’m loathe to play the what-if game. Testing on Saturday, if I can hold on that long. My resolve is weakening. B’s is not. So we’ll see.

I’m off to sleep some more. Yep, that’s what I do.

insomnia and book recommendations

I’m not sleeping guys. I’m not falling asleep or staying asleep. And this is a problem. I loooovvvveee to sleep. I can (usually) sleep through almost anything, and it’s my favorite coping mechanism. I can sleep 10 hours and wake up and think about a nap. And to compound the problem, I’m having nightmares. Gruesome images I can’t quite shake … I never have nightmares. What’s wrong with me? While tired, I’m generally in a good mood, though. I promise!

So I’ve decided what I need is a good book. I sleep the best after curling up with a solid read, but I can’t seem to find the right one. Even my students are trying to hook me up. (Though I read their choices Avalon High and The Lost Memoirs of Jane Austen and enjoyed them.) I was even desperate enough to read one of B’s Lust in the Dust books, but I hate romances and it just pissed me off because there is a damn sequel and she loaned it to my mom. Anyway, highlanders are stupid. I need more than a quick read. I need one of those books that makes you forget the outside world and leave you feeling like you lost a little of yourself somewhere in the pages.

So, do you have any “OMG… you must read this book” recommendations for me. Please? You can save me from insomnia and ghoulish dreams! Pretty please?